I forgive him

I ache to talk to him, Across a cup of tea or out on the roads or under the blankets – anywhere. I ache to have a conversation with him.

About everything.
This universe. Destinies. Roads. Why black is his favorite color? Does he zone out at work? What scares him? Does he believe in alternate universes? What is his haven? Us.

That’s the thing about him – more than love or happiness, I find safety and comfort in him. I don’t feel hesitant or I don’t have to be someone I am not. It’s okay if my hair is not washed or my legs are not shaved – it’s okay as long as I have him. Had him.

But he just comes and goes. And when he goes, he takes away my sense of okay. As it is, I don’t know how to be okay most of the time. I can’t not-be-okay because I don’t want to answer the hundreds of why-are-you-not-okay, so I pretend to be okay, but actually, I’m not okay.

The times when I see him smile or laugh, those are my favorite moments. Like, it’s okay if we are not together – I will find a way to go on.  I don’t hold on to grudges – I forgive him for all the empty promises he made, for pretending to pull me together and then breaking me worse, for not loving me as much as he showed off; I forgive him for not even willing to fight for me – I forgive him.

Just don’t let the smile drop.

It makes me happier to see you happy.

Sea shore

Strangers don't hurt you
Unfamiliarity can't break you
It is always someone close,
someone you consciously chose
to let in through the walls,
and hold you through your falls.

They come in and make themselves at home,
walking carelessly over your house of foam.
They put up their feet on the coffee table
where you knit your countless fables.
They bring in blizzards,
and snatch your blanket to keep warm.
They turn off the lights and snore,
while you lay curled on the cold floor.

But you don't ask them to leave,
because you can't ask them to leave.
You can't turn your back on your kin,
you are supposed to stay together through thick and thin.
Even if that kills you every second of every day,
you will sell your soul to make them stay,
until there is nothing left of you anymore
not in the sea, not on the shore.

The end.

Endings don't come with
clear, dark border lines
where your colors
shouldn't overlap.

Endings don't come with the
ticking of a time-bomb
about to explode.

Endings just come.
Faceless. Soundless.
Sometimes, timeless.
And when they do,
you just know.

You know it
deep inside your heart
that there will be no more
last-things you do
or goodbyes or
farewell in any form.

Whoever said endings
are beautiful, is
simply fooling with poetry.
Because they are not.
Endings are painful.
They kill you.
They rip you apart.
They feed on your remains.

Endings are intangible.
You don't see them,
you don't hear them.
You just feel them.
The dead. The end.

I will not fall for you again

Don't look at me the way
your eyes had pierced mine
that rainy evening
under the pink lights.

Don't give me those
above-average tight smiles
like there are so many words
held back by the rigid
boundaries you created.

Don't talk to me in
cryptic phrases and one-liners
just for the sake of conversation.

Don't laugh out louder than required
just to make me hear the sound.

Don't hold your gaze
when our eyes meet.

You wanted to leave.
You wanted to stop,
You wanted to end.
I let you.

Then why would you half-quit?
As if, deep inside, you're at war with yourself.

If you want to go away, go away completely.
There's the door. Just leave.
Don't look at me. Don't talk to me.
Don't be near me.
Don't pretend that you don't know
what I am talking about.

Because I've been through hell
and I have no intentions of
dancing on burning coal again.

I will not return your long gazes,
or smile when you talk to me.
I will not walk over to
where you're standing.
I will not.
Never again.
I will not fall for you again.

I will not guess your thoughts
and second-guess my decisions.
I will not try to read between your words
and judge your actions
Because honestly, I don't have
that kind of energy for you anymore.

So, when I try to undo the mess,
here, stop redoing it.
Because you're hitting a rock.
I will not fall for you again.

It always comes back to this.

It always comes back to this.
The rain will stop pouring,
on this barren land.
The lightning will stop tearing
the skin of the sky.
The thunder will stop destructing
the silent cries of the crickets.
The wounds will stop bleeding.
The pain will stop killing.

And when it all stops,
it will come back to this -
this nothingness I carry,
this nothingness that I have
been carrying for years now,
this nothingness.
It always comes back to this.

A Town of Memories: I would never know

A Town of Memories: I would never know: I stood under the lamppost reading out a letter to you. My back was to you, so I did not know if my words reached you. I would never k...

I would never know

I stood under the lamppost
reading out a letter to you.
My back was to you,
so I did not know if
my words reached you.
I would never know.

I brushed the tip of my fingers
over the calluses on your palm.
You brushes off the tears
that rolled down my cheeks.
Whether you felt the connect
when my skin touched yours,
I don't know.
I would never know.

You pulled me close
and I hugged you as tight as I could.
You told me to be strong because
letting go is the right thing to do.
But letting you go was perhaps
the hardest thing I have ever done.
Whether you knew this or not,
I would never know.

You lit one cigarette after the other
and I felt my soul being burnt
and rising up hand-in-hand
with the smoke from your stub.
Last night has been the saddest,
coldest and loneliest of all
sleepless nights.
Whether you slept well or not,
I would never know.

There are so many stories I had to tell you,
so many scars I had to show you,
but you would never know.
It all came down like the
necrotic yellow leaf
that broke off from the tree
and landed quietly on
the cold, gray road.

Whether my necrosis is as quiet as the leaf
or the noisy drum-roll inside my head,
I don't know.
But my necrosis is the right thing at the moment.
Or so you said.
Whether you actually believe it or not,
I would never know.